Related to Pregnancy | Posted on December 18th, 2016
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This is our story read it don't read it delete me if you want . Tomorrow we should have been welcoming our angel in to the world . But instead I have this story . And if it wasn't for our family I don't think I would have the strength to share it if it wasn't for our families.
I woke up in the middle of the night with some back pain which wasn't out of the ordinary then it got significantly worse then I felt a gush I thought my water had broke but it wasn't it was a massive amount of blood as we wait on the ambulance I have a million thoughts going through my head and I felt him curled up not moving and thought i just felt him move an hour ago we just finished setting up the nursery we get to the hospital and they start searching for the heart beat and when they didn't find it my heart broke it didn't matter how bad I was physically hurting my heart hurt ten times more then my body ever could I couldn't help but feel it was somehow my fault . I remember next going into the labor room and starting the process I was washing the blood off of me I don't remember who was around and everything that was going on then they induced my labor and the contractions started and the bleeding worsened they were giving me units of blood pain medication and all kinds of pokes and pricks I tried for hours for a natural delivery then they decided with all the blood loss to do a cesarean and they laid me down for surgery and I don't remember much but when I woke they told me that they had to take my uterus my heart sunk even more knowing that I could never give my fiancé a family he deserved. Then they brought me Benjamin so cold yet so beautiful the most beautiful thing that I could and ever have laid eyes on . Just breath taking my opinion may be biased but it was my heart right there wrapped up in a little blanket covered with ducks and flowers just how they wrap up every newborn . My 4 lb 10.5 oz 18.5 inch little piece of heaven . And though I may never watch you grow up I will imagine every moment as if you were with us . I spent 5 more days in the hospital later to find out that when I left the hospital in Bartlesville I had a very low survival rate and after 14 units of blood and being life flight to Tulsa that they didn't know if I would make it through the night none of that mattered though when I woke up all I could think was why me why not him why couldn't he be here I was just so mad . It was even harder though to go home with out him and that room be empty . A few days after we arrive home and arrangements were made we went to go pick up our sweet boys ashes the last thing I would have ever thought I would be doing and thinking the whole time no parents should ever have to do this none ever .
" the loss of her child will always be what's wrong because there is nothing in her mind that can make it right "
To my sweet boy I nor your father will ever even for a moment will never forget you or stop loving you . And I would trade everything to have you here but I can't change that and for that I am sorry .
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