I would love to have a child of my own, my body keeps rejecting the babies. I've had 5 miscarriages.

My husband and I have been doing IVF for six years and finally thought we were onto a winner fifth time round. When we started fertility treatment at a local clinic in August, 2015 ,after being diagnosed with mild PCOS. We started off with three rounds of ovulation induction, which all had to be cancelled as I was not stimulating. The clinic suggested two rounds of Intrauterine insemination with femara. The both cycles were unsuccessful with no pregnancy. They then suggested IVF, however ( instead of but) I needed to do laparoscopy surgery (ovarian drilling). During the stimulation process of the IVF, my follicles where not growing and the cycle was cancelled. My husband and I then took a decision to consult with another clinic with a satellite office locally. During our consultation a decision was made that we needed IVF with icsi. Not knowing if we can afford this treatment, I applied for a loan. With gods grace we got the loan, and proceeded to ivf in March, 2016. My husband was unable to travel with me to the island of Barbados for the first seven days of my twelve day stay on the island. My closest and dearest friend Nirmala, volunteered to take the trip with me. Upon arriving during the night at our apartment in Rockley Golf Course, there was no electricity on that part of the island. Just imagine two women alone in a strange island and no electricity and we knew absolutely no one there. Terrified we were but, my friend said to me “it’s all god’s work Carla”, we laughed in the darkness and tried to make some tea. We kept trying to light the stove, then realizing it was an electric stove! We both couldn’t stop laughing. My first scan at the clinic was amazing seeing so many follicles, I was excited as more follicles means more eggs and better chances. The only risk was hyper ovarian stimulation, which I had to be monitored closely. We retrieved eighteen (18) eggs, 10 made it to 5-day blastocysts. I transferred 2 embryos days later. Exactly 7 days after my transfer I decided to cheat and do a pregnancy test, which to my surprise those two (2) blearing pink lines. I looked up at the ceiling of my bathroom and said “thank you God! Dr S is God sent! I visited my Dr for my 6-week scan, it was the most unbelievable sight, a small bean shaped image. My heart was full and the tears could not stop pouring. The Dr then turned on the doppler I heard the most precious sound of a little heartbeat. I couldn’t believe this little thing could give me so much happiness at that point in my life. My husband was elated!!! Around 8 weeks 4 days I started spotting lightly, the clinic noted it was normal as long as it not bright red persistent bleeding. My husband and I was just not comfortable with the sight of blood. We visited my Dr, and at the beginning of the scan I saw the same bean again. I nodded to my husband and smiled thinking everything is ok, its there so no worries. The doppler was turned on and there was a deafening silence in the room, NO HEART BEAT!!!! My nurse looked at me with glassy eyes and I knew my baby had died. He said to me “my dear it seems that the baby heart stopped beating, you are going to have a miscarriage” The words “stopped beating” resonated in my mind on repeat, over and over again. I remember the Dr saying we have two options, medical management misoprisol or Dilation and Curettage (D & C). I quickly responded by saying no surgery please, I will take the medication at home. We got into our van I just looked at the prescription and started crying my husband screamed, his cries echoed in my head as the last time he cried was when his mother died. We held each other and cried he said to me “its not your time love, everything happens in the right time”. I started the medication that same day, it had to be vaginally inserted every hour for four (4) hours. About twenty minutes after the last pill was inserted the pain came about, intense excruciating pain. The pain lasted for minutes but it seemed like hours, the pain I experienced was second to none, realising I now know what labour feels like without bringing a baby home. Nobody tells you this part, you don’t expect to experience contractions despite knowing what’s going on in your body. I didn’t have time to cry anymore because the pain I felt overtook any other emotions I had. I felt the urge to stoop down in a sitting position and felt something sliding out of me while pushing, there it came, a ball of blood I picked it up and held it in my hand. I am not sure if it was curiosity made me pull apart the ball to see what was inside. There I saw a small clear jelly like ball, with a small bean like figure with dots which resembles eyes. I called out to my husband to look at it but he was to distraught at the sight of so much blood which was now pouring out of me like a tap. My body and emotions were numb, I couldn’t cry or laugh. I was just there like a maiquin. I visited my Dr for a scan just to be sure that all the remnants of the pregnancy were gone. Well luck again not in my favour, there was a lot of tissue inside the uterus, which needed to be removed surgically, D & C was ordered. I prepped for a surgery, while laying on the operating bed in the theatre, I looked up at the light and said “God please forgive me for all the sins I have committed knowly and unknowly”. I was awoken by the sounds of crying babies and I was thinking to myself “am I dead”, I realized that my room was exactly next to the maternity ward at the nursing home. All I heard was crying new-borns for hours, I begged my husband to get me discharged from the nursing home quickly as possible, I just wanted to go home in my bed. The days pasted me just in bed to the shower and back that was my routine for weeks. The clinic called to have a review about the cycle, we both listened to the Drs advise and protocols for the FET, whenever we feel ready again to try. I took three months to gather myself together and then we jumped in again. Off to our first FET, the Dr added clexane and aspirin to my meds, just in case I have a clotting disorder. We travelled to Barbados again transferred 2 beautiful embryos, nine days later we saw those two pink lines again for the 2nd time. I told him “yes babe it our time now” Around 5 weeks I started spotting heavily, I knew again seeing blood was not a good sign. I was told to lay in bed and keep my feet up as this was normal. I tried to visit my Dr but it was a public holiday here in Trinidad. I finally got to see a Dr in my area and he agreed to do a ultrasound, he spent about twenty five minutes looking for any sort of sac in the uterus. It was not to be found, while exiting the uterus there it was in the cervix! Yes, the cervix, a cervical pregnancy. The bleeding was extremely heavy, the Dr advised me to go to the emergency room. I waited out the night and visited my Dr in the morning, he saw the sac in the cervix and told me we will have to do a D&C and I remember reading about Asherman’s syndrome. And the scaring it too many D&C can cause, I told him no, no more surgery. He then said he can try a simple procedure with a deflated balloon and fill it with water when it was inserted, then pull it out in a quick motion and see if it can work and I will be the first he has tried it on. I told him yes anything at this point. Luckily the balloon procedure worked it came out, the embryo was sent for testing. The results were normal. I received a call from the clinic for review about my last unfortunate episode, they decided I will need to have a hysteroscopy done in Barbados. I flew there after three months, the results were normal no polyps, no endometriosis just a good uterine cavity. Then on to FET #2, new meds where added with the previous progesterone oil shots, Viagra. We travelled again to Barbados, transferred 2 embryos. After 10 days I tested again we saw 2 pink lines, I was excited but also petrified of going through another miscarriage. Visited the clinic to have my Beta HCG done the levels were a bit low and my nurse was a bit concerned. A retest was done 3 days later and what she feared happened, it was a chemical pregnancy. My levels dropped drastically. My period will be here as soon as I stopped all the medication. I had 2 more viable embryos left, the clinic suggested a test called Chicago bloods, this was to check if I had elevated Natural Killer cells. This test was expensive but necessary as they were not sure what line of treatment I should be on next. The bloods were drawn locally and sent to a lab in Chicago for testing, the results came back elevated, same as they suspected. I have been diagnosed with elevated Natural Killer Cells whereby my body attack any growing fetus as it considers it a foreign body. Finally I was diagnosed with something! A protocol was drawn up for my FET #3, more meds were added, Humira and Prednisolone. This was needed to suppress my immune system. We both again flew to Barbados in August 2018; I transferred the last 2 embryos, thinking yes Humira is my miracle drug it will work this time definitely. After 10 days I tested and to my surprise the test was negative!!! Yes negative, I was shocked, I retested 3 days later and same results. I notified the clinic of my negative test results; a retest was ordered on the Chicago bloods. This was done, the levels actually came back doubled. Which means Humira never worked it spiked the levels. The clinic suggested a fresh new IVF cycle with PGT-A genetic testing on the embryos. I took 8 months to decide and financially pool together the last remaining savings I had. I said to myself “I had already invested so much time and money, I have to give it my all”. July 2019, I flew out to Barbados with my best friend Hema, we decided it was going to be a girl’s trip with meds LOL. We toured the entire island, just two girls and a rental car. We would stop and certain points for me to take my “drugs” (shots) as she would say it. They retrieved 9 eggs and 5 made it 5day blastocysts. Cells were removed from all 5 and were sent for testing in a Lab in Argentina. I flew back home after 11 days in Barbados. We waited fourteen days for the results of our embryos, 4 embryos came back normal and 1 embryo abnormal. I was informed by the clinic that the abnormal embryo will be discarded. Which I totally understood. We planned again for FET # 4, I requested a Chicago blood test just to see where my levels were at before we move forward. The levels were actually normal and not elevated like in the past, so I was very concerned as to what that would mean for my upcoming FET. The Dr reviewed the results and came up with a new protocol removing, the prednisolone and the IVIG infusions which was previously discussed for my immune treatment. I was nervous about not using anything to calm down the NK Cells. I started the meds for FET# 4, I was on extended prednisolone which made me hungry and moody all the time. In November 2019, I flew to Barbados again, transferred 1 embryo, returned to Trinidad. We waited 10 days and I saw 2 bright pink lines, I finally said yes this is it! I was the happiest person alive, at night I would rub my stomach and say “mommy loves you more than you will ever know, please baby stay safe for mommy, I need you to keep safe”. My Hcg levels were doubling and the numbers were exactly where they need to be. I prayed that night, telling God “please don’t give me something that I have yearned for and then to take it back, its best you don’t give me it at all” On the morning of December 10th 2019 at 2am, I visited the toilet and as I wiped, I saw bright red blood! I shouted out “not again god not again” my husband ran out of bed to see me holding the piece of tissue with blood. His eyes looked at me in horror as he knew and I knew it was another miscarriage. I cleaned myself up got dressed and went back to lay on the bed. As the sun shined into our bedroom, I was already dressed to visit the lab to test my Hcg levels, I have been through this so many times I knew what had to be done without even calling my Dr or the Clinic. While sitting in the waiting room of the lab for my blood to be drawn, felt a sudden gush out of my vagina. I rushed to the washroom and there it fell into my hand a ball of blood, again I don’t know if it was curiosity in me again. I pulled apart the blood and saw the same clear jelly like ball with a very very small piece of tissue. I knew it was my hope and dream in my hands, I cleaned myself up did the blood test and went home. I had no more emotions, no more tears I was dried up. The same day was my deceased Mother in law’s birthday. I just wanted to jump infront of a moving truck. The sadness and pain I felt was indescribable. I always struggle to explain exactly how heart breaking this was. To endure one miscarriage is hard, but Recurrent is truly heart wrenching. At this point I hit rock bottom. The doctors kept telling me that my losses were nothing more than bad luck. My intuition told me differently.At this point I well and truly lost it. I felt angry, sad, let down by my clinic, robbed of my babies and so much more. We are heartbroken and we will be for a long time, but we are healing together. People say things happen for a reason and sometimes it’s difficult to understand why, I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve cried that it just isn’t fair. But we will get through this, surrounded by the most amazing group of friends that have been with us throughout. We are grieving for the tiny life we lost but also for the future we had planned as a family. But better things are ahead and we will be happy again. You never think something like this would happen to you. It just never does, does it? But we were so wrong and so unprepared for what we went through because it’s never really spoken about, there isn’t enough awareness despite how often it happens. I don’t know if I’m just naive or uneducated, but my idea of a miscarriage was very different to the way it played out, I didn’t expect any of this. We aren’t the first people to experience this and we know we won’t be the last and that’s so upsetting. I feel like I’ve overcome a lot in this last year, there’s definitely more good days than bad, but I still miss what could’ve been. We are quick to share good news, pregnancy announcements, gender reveals, baby arrivals, milestones and birthdays. But you hardly ever see anyone sharing the experience of losing a baby, coming to terms with the life that you created being taken away and the mental and physical pain it puts you through. It’s not ‘just a miscarriage’ and it was a ‘proper’ baby to me. I carried it for every second of its life and that’s not something I take lightly. It was and will always be our favourite “what if”. A family is something we both desire more than anything so it is not a fight we will give up easily. Carla Seetaldass-Ramesar.

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Maria, Surrogate Mother

Commented on January 30th, 2023 05:59PM [EDT]

hi
Hi. Maybe I can help.

christina, Surrogate Mother

Commented on September 27th, 2022 09:26PM [EDT]

hi
Hello if you are interested in child adoption, My husband and I adopted from here privately. Thanks Christina